Hello and a warm
welcome this months new subscribers to Jump!
This month has been abundant with the making of decisions and with that discovery. As always, life provides an array of opportunities to grow and develop. This month has seen me with a fair share of difficult decision-making in the land of work and love.
We’ve all been there, having to make tough decisions in our life: quit – stay, love them – leave them, buy it – don’t buy it, say it – don’t say it, do it – don’t do it. Constant back and forth with that little voice in our head.
Decisions, decisions, decisions – how do we make them? More to the point how can we make wise ones? Read more in this month’s article " Making Wise Decisions” to find out more!
Until next month,
be loving, be peace, be true, be you,
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Recommendations and offers
 Book:
Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway – How To Turn Your Fear And Indecision into Confidence and Action by Susan Jeffers
I
first read this many moons ago but it’s message in it’s chapter entitled “ How To Make A No-Lose Decision” remains firmly entrenched in my memory. In a nutshell, Jeffers says that there is no wrong decision, only different decisions. Clearly this requires a mental mindshift in the perception of the impact of our decisions.
Her book demonstrates the way we think with the No-Win Decision Making Model and the No-Lose Decision Making Model (and you know how I love diagrams to explain things!). The No-Win Model has you at a Choice Point in life where you feel paralysed as you think about the consequences in life-and-death terms of your choice, thinking “Should I? What if…?”. She explains “You look at the unknown and try to predict the future, trying to take control of outside forces. Both are impossible. After the decision is made, the No-Win Model makes you constantly reassess the situation, hoping you didn’t make a mistake.”
The No-Lose Model shows that the paths (choices) have nothing but ‘goodies’ along the way. Her definition of these goodies are “opportunities to experience life in a new way, to learn and grow, to find out who you really are and who you really would like to be and what you would like to do in this life.” Each path is strewn with opportunities – despite the outcome.”
The book isn’t just about making decisions. There is plenty of other gems of around handling your fears that stop you from being the person you want to be and living your life the way you want to live it. This is also available on CD.
Check it out on Amazon
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Featured Article
Making Wise Decisions
I’m in a wonderful relationship with my love. He recently told me that he was not in the space he wanted to be with me for the rest of his days and to have a family with me, yet. The yet came later. This sharing of his thoughts was nothing but that, sharing some honest thoughts, but it rocked my little world somewhat.
It felt like amongst all of my mixed up jumbled bag of conflicting thoughts and emotions I would have to come to a few decisions, firstly about what that actually meant for our immediate future together – did we have one even? And another question and therefore another decision to be made – well, do I need to do anything about this given that clanking biological clock? And what did I want to do about it? Stay? Leave? Wait? How long? Try? Try what? Decisions decision! I felt I had several of them to make!
Like with most battles that involve both head and heart battles it’s been a tough battle to make a decision, let alone several. Indecision ruled as my thoughts and emotions have been like a pendulum oscillating back and forth from confusion to clarity, anxiety to acceptance, anger to excitement, lost to found, positive to negative, yin to yang…you name I’ve been there! Psychiatrists name these internal wars as ambivalence. My Oxford Dictionary tells me that ambivalence is the co-existence in one person of opposite feelings toward the same objective.
When you allow your mind to remain in that ambivalent state, you will experience difficulty in your life. Getting up at 5am for 6am yoga on less than 4 hours sleep and working until 8pm was a mental challenge enough let alone while your mind going spastic trying to make one single decision while in a state of ambivalence. Anyone who finds themselves in such a mental state is not living; at best, they are merely existing. A decision or a series of decisions would change everything.
Bob Procter says a decision “is a single mental move you can make which, in a millisecond, will solve enormous problems for you. It has the potential to improve almost any personal or business situation you will ever encounter...”
Indeed the decisions we make, or don’t make, are responsible for the breaking or making of many a career. Those who have become very proficient at making decisions, without being influenced by the opinions of others, are the same people whose annual incomes fall into the six and seven figure category.
However we also know that it’s not just your income that is affected by decisions; your whole life is dominated by this power. The lawyer will lead a different lifestyle, to the road sweeper. Each will face different options and have different experiences. The health of your mind and body, the well-being of your family, your social life, the type of relationships you develop… all are dependent upon your ability to make sound decisions.
Yet we are not taught in schools how to make important decisions, despite it’s far reaching power and huge impact it has on our lives. So, how is a person expected to develop this mental ability? One thing is for sure, you have to do it on your own, noone can make a decision for you. However, before you wail in despair at this, it’s important to understand that it’s not difficult to learn how to make wise decisions.
Armed with the proper information and by subjecting yourself to certain disciplines, you can become a very effective decision maker. You can virtually eliminate conflict and confusion in your life by becoming proficient at making decisions. Decision-making brings order to your mind, and of course, this order is then reflected in your objective world – and your results.
The flip side of the decision coin is indecision, choosing not to decide. A very basic law of the universe is “create or disintegrate”. Indecision causes disintegration. How often have you heard a person say, “I don’t know what to do.” How often have you heard yourself say, “What should I do?” Think about some of the indecisive feelings you and pretty much everyone on this planet experience from time to time. This indecision is caused by ambivalence. If you know that you frequently feel indecisive, then the first decision that could really improve your life is to decide to stop experiencing ambivalence right now. But what causes the ambivalence?
I’ve noticed that people who are proficient decision makers have one thing in common – they possess confidence, they have a strong self-image, a high degree of self-esteem. Lack of confidence, lack of trust in our confidence to do the right thing, to make the wisest decision causes ambivalence.
So how can we stop being indecisive and learn to make wise decisions? Yep you got it, here are my tips.
Action Tips
To
Making Wise Decisions
- Decision makers are great thinkers
To illustrate this, let’s go back to my decision dilemma with my relationship with my loved one. My partner and I were experiencing difficulty because we were projecting into the present, thoughts that started with “What if..?” into our unknown future. What if we had children and then split up? What if I stayed with him and he decides another 2 years down – given we’re not spring chickens and the biological clock will strike midnight - he’s still not in that space? What if he left only to realise too late he’d just thrown away the best thing that ever happened to him?
However, these “What if…?” thoughts were not the most effective thoughts in helping us to reach a wise decision. Thinking is very important. Decision makers are great thinkers. Do you ever give much consideration to your thoughts? To how they affect the various aspects of your life? There is a very small select few who make any attempt to control or govern their thoughts. We can choose to think other thoughts that are less sabotaging. For example, in our relationship case, we chose to think about what we have right now, not what we may or may not have in the future..
Our thoughts ultimately control every decision we make. You are the sum total of your thoughts. By taking charge this very minute, you can guarantee yourself a good day. Refuse to let unhappy, negative people or circumstances affect you. Replace the “What if” and other fear thoughts and think better thoughts, ask yourself more powerful (rather than limiting or sabotaging) questions that will help you move forward (or work with a coach who can direct and ask you powerful questions to move you forward to clarity!)
- Circumstance as a lame excuse
The greatest stumbling block you will encounter when making important decisions in your life is circumstance. We let circumstance get us off the hook when we should be giving it everything we’ve got. More dreams are shattered and goals lost because of circumstance than any other single factor.
How often have you caught yourself saying, “I would like to do or have this but I can’t because...” Whatever follows “because” is the circumstance. Circumstances may cause a detour in your life but you should never permit them to stop you from making important decisions.
Not having the money is one ‘circumstance’ I hear often. I’m now going to say something that may cause a ruffle…you don’t need the money right now, straight away before you decide. You can make a decision without the money.
When the decision is made, you will figure out a way to get the amount of money or whatever resources needed. None of which will materialize anyway until you make a decision on what you actually want.
- Establish what your bottom line is
Establishing your bottom is about giving yourself some time to think about what you really want out of life. This requires some soul-searching. It can be tough because we are conditioned to do what others want us to do or what others think we should do, not what we want to do. We are out of touch with what brings us satisfaction. So in thinking about what you want your life to be about, you will find it easier to make a decision – ask yourself which pathway of choice is more aligned with your overall goals in life – at this present time, right now. In other words, what’s your bottom line?
Of course as you go through life, what you want changes and your goal changes so you have to keep reassessing them. However all you have is right now so what’s best for you, in line with what your goal is, right now? You may well be confused in trying to work out what your bottom line is, what your number one priority is in order to make your decision. It may take some experimentation and more than one decision but it is through that search of confusion that you will come through clarity eventually.
- Trust your gut instincts
Sometimes when you make a logical choice, there is something within you that tells you to go with the other choice, when you “trust your gut”. That feeling is very often your subconscious telling you which choice is better at a particular time.
Your subconscious overrides your conscious, logical mind which says something else. Don’t be afraid to trust it, and act on it.There are times when you might want to stop thinking and just do.
- Fear of failure
Every decision comes from either love or fear. In the relationship case, fear was behind our “What if?” thoughts. We feared making a mistake, we feared what may or may not happen as a result of our ‘mistakes’.
Decision makers are not afraid of making an error. If and when they make an error in their decision, or fail at something, they have the ability to shrug it off. They learn from the experience but they will never submit to the failure. They are aware of something that everyone, who hopes to live a full life, must understand: Decision making is something you cannot avoid. Not unless you want to avoid living a full life. I said living, not merely existing sitting on the fence of life, wondering “What if?”
So when faced with a difficult decision, ask yourself: What would I do if I weren't afraid of making a mistake, feeling rejected, looking foolish or being alone? Remove the fear and the answer comes into focus.
Those who are misguided try something once or twice and if they do not hit bullseye, they feel they are a failure. Failing does not make anyone a failure, but quitting most certainly does and guess what, quitting is a decision. By following that form of reasoning, you would have to say when you make a decision to quit you make a decision to fail.
- Winning is also a decision
I used to run for my District as a 100 metres sprinter. I won every race except once. I remember how I didn’t consider that I wouldn’t win, you see before the race even started, while I was warming up, I decided that I would win, because I wanted to win of course, I did it once and I could do it again. I kept the vision of myself winning firmly in mind.
The one time I didn’t win was when I was put to run a race with some sprinters in the level above me, our team had noone in that age category so the coach put the best one forward, which was yours truly. Unbeknown to me I was not aware of this until I was called to the track, looked at my competitors and realized I was running against those way above my league. For a split second, I got a pang of fear, I did not see my vision of me winning in mind, I thought “Sh*t! I may not win this, they’re faster than me”. I didn’t think what I usually thought at the start of the race, which was with certainty “I’m going to win this”, but instead I thought, “I’m going to give this my best shot.” There is a huge difference here; in that instance I chose not to win. That split second when I changed my decision got me not first, but second place. It was still a great race!
Don’t worry about failing, not only will it toughen you up and get you ready for your big win but you will have learnt some valuable lessons, and you can also have some great times trying! Instead think of it in terms of win-win.
- Go lightly
Overall we live in a world where most of us take our decision and ourselves very seriously. If as a result of making a decision you loose something, no problem. It really is not that important. I’m not saying that it’s not important but in the grand scheme of things, ask yourself is it really that important?
Whatever choice you make is not necessarily better than another, just different. You will learn different lessons, all valuable from whichever path you take, so in that light, it doesn’t matter because whatever place you’re in you can choose to make it a place of learning, where you learn more about yourself and the world around you. So whatever happens, you know you can handle it, so lighten up a little. Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
- Let go of the outcome
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learnt when it comes to desires and therefore any decision around them is to let go of the outcome. When we make a decision, or even before, we create expectations, expectations about how we should feel, about what we want to happen or will happen. We create in our mind’s eye a picture of what we want. This is helpful in working out what we want. But when you have made the decision, let that picture go.
The reason for this is we can’t control the future. We can do what we can to put us in the best place to take the opportunity should it present itself but we cannot actually control the future. It is this in the first place that causes us angst in making a decision – we can’t see the future. Accept this truth and instead of fighting it, work with it. Don’t hold on tightly to that picture because it will cause you unhappiness if it’s not fulfilled. Disappointment can make you miss the good that can come out of any situation you are in. There is always a silver lining to every cloud; you just have to look for it.
If you hold on to “this is the way it is supposed to be” then you will miss enjoying all the good stuff in the way it is. So let go of the outcome, enjoy what you have in the now while you do what you can with what you’ve got right here, right now.
To conclude, remember there is no right or wrong decision – just different ones. And if you find somewhere down the line after you’ve made the decision that it’s not working out, well guess what you can make a decision to change it. I’m not saying it will be easy but you can make a choice to correct it.
This doesn’t mean you don’t make a commitment and flit from one thing to another using “change it” as an excuse to not take responsible for your choices. After all you and only you are responsible for everything that happens in your world. What I am saying here is this: whatever decision you make is fine because if you find that your choice has taken you off track then correct it to get back in the direction you want to be heading.
Lastly, one thing worth remembering when you are trying to make a wise decision, sometimes the way things turn out end up so much better than our original picture, if we let go and let it happen so, relax. ;-)
So that’s it folks, hope it’s been some help in decision-making, at the very least food for thought. If you like some help with a decision you want to make around your work or personal life, get in touch to see how you can use a Discovery Session to help you gain clarity and move forward in making the wisest choice for you.
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Note this quote
“The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: decide what you want.” Ben Stein
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Sharing Soul Sentiments
Are you ready?
The Creator gathered all of creation and said, "I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it. It is the realization that... they create their own reality."
The eagle said, "Give it to me, I will take it to the moon." The creator said "No. One day they will go there and find it." The salmon said, "I will hide it on the bottom of the ocean." "No. They will go there too."
The buffalo said, "I will bury it on the great plains." The creator said, "They will cut into the skin of the earth and find it even there."
The Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes, said: "Put it inside them."
And the Creator said, "It is done."
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About Sam Leongtave
Sam Leongtave is a Creative Personal Life and Business Coach, as well as a fully qualified experienced Graphic Designer. She coaches freelance creatives, creative professionals and entrepreneurs, and pretty much anyone else who wants to to be empowered to do what they love, follow their passions and live a life that more fully expresses their choices, who they truly are, personally and professionally. She is the author and publisher of Jump!, and founder of Noodlecrayon Coaching™ |
